


The Tail of the Red-bellied Black Snake

by RiverBracken



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Veterinarians, Animals, F/M, M/M, Multi, Organized Crime, Snakes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 15:00:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14834498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverBracken/pseuds/RiverBracken
Summary: Grantaire receives an unwelcome visitor. An enigmatic reptile guru from the local animal rights organisation comes to his rescue. This is the beginning of a new friendship, but certainly not the end.





	The Tail of the Red-bellied Black Snake

Grantaire was exhausted. Eleven-hour shifts were absolute killers. All he could think about was eating large amounts of sugar while crashing on the couch, preferably in comfy socks. He trudged up the stairs to his run-down apartment, checking his mailbox on the way. He picked up a yellow envelope, it didn’t have his name on it, but it was his address. It was probably something he bought online and then forgot about. 

He was so damn tired, he thought he felt the envelope move as he tucked it under his arm to get his key in the lock. Pushing open the door, he kicked off his boots, and turned on the TV. It really didn’t matter to Grantaire what was on, he just liked the background noise. It helped him block out his thoughts. His eyes were on the screen, as he thumbed open the yellow envelope. 

He stopped dead when his fingers touched something scaly. Not slimy, but definitely scaly. Grantaire almost jumped out of his skin when the scales moved, brushing against his hand. 

He dropped the envelope in a panic and leapt onto the couch. The yellow package hit the wooden floor with a thump, and a long, black tail slipped out of the opening. Grantaire’s brain was trying to tell him to find something hard to whack the envelope. Surely, he still had a baseball bat somewhere in his flat. His mum had bought him one to leave beside the door when he first moved out of home. Instead, he stayed rooted to the couch, his eyes fixed on the envelope. Moments passed. The tail stayed where it was. Grantaire stayed where he was. Then, slowly, the tail withdrew back into the envelope. Grantaire released a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. 

Until, he saw the envelope move again. A second later, a black head emerged. A snake’s head, complete with dark eyes and pink, forked, flickering tongue. 

Grantaire lost it. He jumped from the couch and ran into his bedroom slamming the door behind him. He grabbed the pillows off his bed and stuffed them as best he could into the gap between the door and the floor. Fumbling his phone out of his pocket he shakily dialled the emergency services.  
“Hello, do you require the police, fire brigade or ambulance service?” Grantaire hesitated.  
“Ahh. I’m…I’m not sure.”  
“Sir, can you tell me what kind of emergency it is?” The operator was politely calm on the other end of the line.  
“Um, fuck…yes, sorry. There is a snake in my apartment.”  
“Sir, do you require the police, fire brigade or ambulance service?”  
“I don’t know, whichever one deals with snake emergencies."  
“Sir, none of them deal with snake emergencies. There are very few snake related emergencies in Paris."   
“Fuck, well fire brigade then. They deal with getting cats out of trees and stuff. Right?”  
“Only in cartoons. Sir, I am disconnecting the call, I suggest you call the Société pour le Protection des Animaux, a vet or the zoo. Have a nice day.” 

With that she hung up. Grantaire swore under his breath and tried to calm his mind down. He couldn’t. The panic had taken over. In this state, all Grantaire could do was unquestioningly follow instructions, something he was reluctant to do normally. His phone was still in his hand, so he shakily typed “snake-catcher Paris” into google. The first result, predictably, was for some form of hipster bar in the centre of town. But the second looked actually useful. A vet surgery called Les Amis de l’ABC, proudly proclaiming on its banner: For all animals. Not just the cute and cuddly. Even better, it had an emergency number, which Grantaire promptly called. He was met by the most enthusiastic voice he had ever encountered.  
“Hello, this is the Les Amis de l’ABC 24-hour helpline. Your speaking to Courfeyrac. How can I help?”  
“Ahh…Hi…there is a snake in my flat.”  
“Okiday. Is it hurt?”  
“I dunno maybe?”  
“Ok, well just give me your name and address and our reptile guru will be with you shortly.” 

Grantaire did just that and then hung up. He sat on his bed and waited until he heard the knock on the door. It was then he realised his conundrum. To let the snake catcher into his flat, he would have to leave his bedroom and open the front door. Fuck. Grantaire rummaged in his cupboard trying to find a weapon of some kind. His easel just wasn’t the right shape, too cumbersome for whacking. His Doc Martins might do the trick if he could throw them well enough, but the snake would probably have to be pretty close. Then he remembered that his fencing gear was still under his bed. He had given up the sport years ago. He’d lost all motivation for it but had kept his gear just in case. Grantaire reached under the bed and pulled out his bag, removing his foil. It wasn’t a perfect plan but it was the best he had. He slid the pillows out from under his bedroom door and slowly reached for the knob. 

As he did so it started to turn. Something was jiggling it from the other side. 

Grantaire leapt back onto his bed and pointed his foil towards the door. His hand was trembling slightly. There was a light knock from the other side. Then the door swung towards Grantaire, revealing a slim, blond person, clutching a secure looking bag, and a long-hooked pole.  
“I did knock. You didn’t answer so I let myself in. Where is the hurt reptile?” Their voice was soft but sure. Grantaire remained rooted to the bed, wide-eyed. He always wondered how he would respond in an emergency. Now he knew. He had frozen. An intruder had entered his apartment, an apartment that already had a snake on the loose, and all Grantaire could do was stand and stare. The stranger was unperturbed and continued talking.  
“You look ridiculous by the way. What are you, like 6’2? And you are standing on a single bed brandishing a sword.”  
They really were striking. Their hair was tied in a long, platted pony tail, secured at the bottom by a black ribbon. It was dyed platinum blond with maroon streaks, an odd combination that suited them. Grantaire’s eyes were drawn to the black roses tattooed on their wrists, and up their forearms, which were on full display as they were wearing a white t-shirt paired with a denim sleeveless vest. Grantaire met their brown eyes and lowered his foil. 

“I can never work out why snakes bring out these reactions in people. I assume as you are in here, that the snake is somewhere out there?” They gestured to the rest of Grantaire’s small messy apartment. Grantaire nodded.  
“You don’t have to follow me, but it would be useful if you could tell me a little about the snake. I’m Jean Prouvaire by the way. Call me Jehan."  
“Grantaire” Grantaire squeaked. Really, how embarrassing. “Um...you can call me R.” Jehan turned and smiled at him.  
“I always appreciate a good pun.” Grantaire gingerly stepped off his bed, putting down his foil and picking up his black Doc Martins. He noticed that Jehan had large black boots on, which seemed like a good idea.  
“Can you tell me about the snake?” Jehan asked again.

“Ahh sure. I didn’t get a good look at it. But it’s black. And…um…I last saw it on my mat in front of the couch where I dropped the envelope.” Jehan smirked.  
“Your entire description is… it’s black.” He was using his long-hooked stick to poke gently in crevices around the flat.  
“Look, I literally saw it for three seconds before I freaked out and hid in my room.” Grantaire’s fear was beginning to turn to anger. The tiredness was mixing with adrenaline, and his desire to just hide away and drink was getting stronger by the minute.  
“The eye of an artist can take in a great deal of detail in three seconds.” Jehan replied.  
“How did you know I do art?” Grantaire shot back. He hated calling himself an artist. Artists actually have talent. Grantaire just paints.  
“The easel on your bedroom floor.” Jehan easily replies, never wavering from their task. “Now my artist, describe for me the shape of the snake’s head”.  
“Snakelike.” Grantaire snarked back. Jehan just let that hang there until Grantaire spoke again.  
“Like flat with a longish snout I guess. Is snout even the right word?” Jehan giggled.  
“Still appalling description, but good enough to suggest it is not a cobra.” Grantaire paled.  
“A cobra? Don’t they only live in the desert, or you know, India or somewhere?” Jehan stopped their search.  
“This room is clear. The bathroom is this way?” Grantaire nodded. Jehan headed into the bathroom. Grantaire continued to talk, a habit he had when he was nervous.  
“But cobras are the ones that snake charmers use right? You know the ones that dance out of a pot while someone plays a flute…or recorder…or whatever?” Jehan was ignoring his commentary. Grantaire hated to be ignored. 

“Wait…is that what you are, a snake charmer?” Jehan’s voice echoed from the bathroom.  
“Yes, my dear artist, I charm snakes every day.” Grantaire snorted.  
“Really?”  
“Yes, and if your next witty quip involves the phrase ‘well you can charm my snake any day’ be warned that I have heard it before, and that I loathe the unoriginal.” Grantaire smirked. He was beginning to like the snake catcher.  
“Now, I have located your visitor. If you would like to come in here, you can watch so that next time you won’t be reduced to a quivering mess hiding in your bedroom.” 

Grantaire hesitantly shuffled into the bathroom, where he saw Jehan standing beside his bathtub.  
“Poor thing was looking for water” Jehan cooed. “They really are cute, aren’t they? Come take a closer look before I place them in the bag.” Grantaire edged closer to the tub. Cute really wasn’t the first word that sprung to Grantaire’s mind. The black snake was curled near the drain. It had raised its head in Jehan’s direction and was beginning to rear up. As it did, Grantaire caught sight of a bright red stripe on the snake’s underside. Grantaire was so focused on the snake’s striking colouring he didn’t notice Jehan’s left hand shoot past him, grabbing the snake around its midsection.  
“Holy Fuck! How the fuck can you move that fast? I didn’t even see your arm move!”  
“Years of practice my dear artist” Jehan replied. They still held the snake with one hand while the other held the stick. They used the hook of the stick to hold the snake’s upper mid-section still, while sliding their left hand down to the snake's tail. The bag they had brought with them lay on the floor, opened slightly. Jehan manoeuvred the snake towards the bag, letting it wriggle in the air a couple of times. Grantaire had moved back towards the door without realising it. Jehan smirked at him.  
“What’s the matter? Don’t you trust me?” They slid the snake headfirst into the bag and secured it. The bag moved once, and then remained still.  
“Do you have a hot-water bottle?” Grantaire nodded. “Can you grab it please? I think our friend in the bag would appreciate some warmth.” 

Grantaire headed off to find and heat his hot-water bottle while Jehan brought the snake into the living room and took up residence on Grantaire’s couch. Grantaire eventually joined him, eyeing the bag cautiously. Jehan slipped the hot-water bottle under the bag. 

“I’ve never seen a snake like that before” Grantaire offered lamely, trying to spark conversation.  
“I’m not surprised, they are found on the East-Coast of Australia. It’s a red-bellied black.” Grantaire snorted.  
“Creative name.” Jehan smiled at that.  
“I agree naming is so important...R. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t take the creative responsibility seriously. So…” They gestured towards themselves “Jehan. To my friends at least.” Grantaire mentally registered that ‘Jehan’ was how the slim snake-catcher had introduced themselves to Grantaire. Had they instantly decided they wanted to be his friend? Why? It’s not like Grantaire was great friend material. Maybe Jehan didn’t have many friends? That was more plausible than them instantly taking a liking to Grantaire. Still it felt immense, so he deflected.  
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Jehan raised an eyebrow at him.  
“When we were happy, we had other names…” they dramatically recited “...probably suits my point better. Still, dear artist, thank-you for bringing Shakespeare into the conversation.”  
“Well he is a fuck-site easier to talk about than snakes. Everything I know about them, I’ve learnt from movies, mythology and Harry Potter” Jehan snorted.  
“Movies, mythology and Harry Potter. Name for your sex tape, my dear artist?” It was Grantaire’s turn to snicker.  
“And I thought you hated the unoriginal” he said, while smirking at the snake catcher. “You’d also be a Snape fan, I take it?”  
“More of a Weasley fan really” Jehan replied. “I really really love that family. They made being a red-head slightly more socially acceptable. So little red-haired Jean Prouvaire could fit in better at school. This was back when I still cared about fitting in of course” Jehan said, gesturing towards their dyed blond and maroon hair. Grantaire nodded in response.  
“Charlie is certainly my favourite. I always wanted to study dragons, but snakes and lizards are my fulltime profession at the moment.”  
“I mean, snakes and lizards also have the added advantage of being real” Grantaire retorted.  
“Why R, you cynic! Of course dragons exist.” Jehan’s eyes shone as he faced Grantaire. Non-tired Grantaire might have argued for the fun of it. Tired Grantaire just capitulated.  
“Well seeing as I got mailed a snake tonight, I guess anything is possible.”  
“It’s not that unusual you know” Jehan said quietly. “Animal traffickers often use the postal service to send reptiles internationally. And seeing as most of them appear to be morons, they quite often manage to send them to the wrong address.”  
“So that’s what this was then, animal trafficking?” Jehan’s hands touched the bag in front of them gently.  
“Mm, almost certainly.”  
“Huh…or with my luck it could be some bizarre death threat” Grantaire chuckled. Jehan gently lifted the bag, standing up in the process.  
“I’m sure it’s nothing so dramatic. I’ve been talking to you for half an hour now and I have not felt one urge to kill you.”  
“Gee thanks!” Grantaire replied. The snake-catcher fascinated him.  
“You’re welcome R” Jehan smiled at Grantaire. “Now, I really should get this little buddy back to the surgery so that I can make sure they are okay.” Grantaire stood up and made his way to the door, in anticipation of letting Jehan out. The slim snake-catcher had their hands full with their stick and their now full bag. 

“So, what will happen to the snake now?” Grantaire asked, not quite ready for the conversation to be over.  
“Oh, I’ll check them over and then we will contact the police to let them know that we have another trafficking case. They will, as usual, largely ignore it, and the snake will probably end up living in a zoo. Or I might well adopt it. Red-bellied black snakes have such nice natures” Grantaire snorted.  
“Really?”  
“Sure. And that would give you a chance to visit them when you come to visit me” Jehan smiled at Grantaire. They edged out the door. “Anyone who randomly quotes Shakespeare is welcome to drop by the surgery whenever they like.” Grantaire smiled awkwardly. It was always weird making a new friend as an adult.  
“I’ll do that.” He confirmed.  
“Excellent, well the police might be in touch. Our investigators certainly will.”  
“What kind of vets need investigators?” Grantaire asked.  
“The kind that will change the world” Jehan easily replied, before turning and heading down the stairs. Grantaire watched them go, before heading back into his now snake-less apartment.


End file.
